A Question in a Compuserve Forum: >> why don't you believe in God, or in heaven and hell? <<
My response was:
I don't believe in the personage that is God in the old testament, and i respect and love the examples set by Christ in living a meaningful life dedicated to healing of bodies and spirits. I believe the Kingdom of God, and God, are within us.
I rejected the concept of personal judging God I had known from childhood, but I still had a feeling that there was a Divine Presence of some sort. I never became an atheist, but probably was an agnostic in the classical sense of the word.
I stopped praying because I thought there was no person-God there to pray to. But my soul never stopped having sincere desire.
I love that hymn, "Prayer is the Soul's Sincere Desire:" According to the Mormon hymnal it was written by James Montgomery, not a Mormon as far as I know, which explains why it is popular in many churches. There are 8 verses, and of those I can relate to the first 2 the best, and those words are:
Prayer is the soul's sincere
desire,
Uttered or unexpressed,
The motion of a hidden fire
That trembles in the breast.
Prayer is the burden of a sigh,
The falling of a tear,
The upward glancing of an eye
When none but God is near.
Even in my depth of unbelief I found it comforting to meditate, aided by the thoughtful repetition of a prayer of sorts that simply said: "Oh God, hear my soul; Oh God, heal my soul; Oh God, feed my soul and make me and mine One with Thee." That helped focus my mind and heart, it was good, but there was something missing, and after some time I changed it to:
O God, my Origin, my Destiny,
I bare (/bear) my soul to Thee,
O God, hear my soul,
O God, heal my soul,
O God, feed my soul with Love,
With Passion, and with Peace,
That I may be One with mine,
And we may be One with Thee.
The chant is a bit more complicated, but what I like about the song itself now is that as I repeat it I can emphasize the full circle of my emotional, soul-deep yearnings: My need for a concept, an idea of the Divine Nature, greater than myself, to whom to offer myself (what the nature of that Divine Nature really is, is an intellectual concern that I have to set aside completely for this chant to have any power at all within me). From this inner Divine Source I derive solace to my hurt and damaged self, and derive the power and passion that can then help me be an instrument for uplifting others as I have, indeed, been uplifted.
That is presently the whole envelope of my soul/sole desire, and having defined that envelope feels good in and of itself. That envelope has been richly filled at times, and I actually have faith that greater love, and greater wonder, are just around the next bend in my soul's tortuous path to enlightenment and wholeness. I have hope.
What a concept this soul/sole desire is! There is a tapestry in the Cluny museum of the Middle Ages in Paris, a wonderful place, that has a woman standing in front of a tent labeled "my sole desire," and it shows her taking off and putting away her jewelry prior to entering that tent. The symbolism, I'm told, and it makes good sense, is that we can easily limit our selves, by letting our chase after meeting our superficial desires keep us from entering our soul's sole desire. Powerful, powerful concepts!
What about my notions of the afterlife and all that other stuff that used to be such a hangup to my entertaining religious ideas such as these? Please don't mention them to me. I am beginning to accept that there are things that are just plain unknowable, and that dwelling on defining them, attempting to force them into a symbolic or physical description that is easily grasped and makes good intellectual sense, limits the ineffable to what is presently known and thus destroys wonder. I need wonder.
I want to live a wonder-full life, not a knowing life; I want to live a love-filled life, not an intellectually controlled life; I want to live a passionate life, not a fearful life; I want to live in total spiritual freedom, unrestrained by guilt and self doubt; I want to live in a state of spiritual anarchy, with the only restraints being those that come from deep within, direct from the Divine Source, motivated and channeled only, but powerfully, by Divine Love.
I want to live ecstasy, full well knowing the price is recurring agony. But now I have faith that each agony is a change in course that leaves us cleansed of preconceived intellectual constructs that may bind and blind us, and ready to face ever newer aspects of the ecstatic gifts from God that are our birthright.
At one point in my life, not long ago, I opened my heart and in flooded all of these notions I have been describing. It was the middle of winter, yet the roses within me were set abloom with an inpouring of Divine Love. Now I understand why when Saints Francis and Clare parted in that dark forest in mid winter to go follow their separate spiritual journeys, roses magically bloomed along their paths! It is a symbol of the Divine Love that blooms within when you find and tread your very own spiritual path toward Unity with your origin and destiny.
I am glad that you have found God and joy. May Love and Peace continue to be yours! --abe--